attitude to learning where 5 is good and 2 is bad.....

Jake managed 3 4's yay and 5 2's not yay......
his excuse....."I try really hard since Xmas and our chat mum but they mark from the beginning of the year so I'm running behind...." so i think about this and call school. Today my inbox was crammed with teachers emails telling me why my son is getting a 2. i think i scared them....

i replied to each one asking the same question "dear so and so i appreciate he's a twat to teach and the score is for attitude. can you give me his academic acheivements please as nobody has mentioned these..."

here are the varied responses.

geography - jake will achieve his gifted and talented target however is capable of more.
maths - jake will acheive his gifted target however could acheive more
english - jake is obviously gifted in this subject but (guess what) ......
history - i have no issues with Jake he is bubbly and fun and will easily acheive his gifted target.
etc etc etc.....how do i get him to put more effort in....is there a fantastically gifted target he should aim for....do they do mega gifted targets?

the best one....PE - Jacob has put little effort in for the past 6 weeks therefore I have marked him a 2. please see response i typed out below.

Dear PE teacher. I sent an email about Jacob. he's average size....has a crew cut....big fluffy eyes with drop dead eyelashes and a cute stubby nose with cherry red plump lips. I give this complete full description so that you are indeed aware of who he is...please confirm you have the right child before I continue.

Reply states "I know Jacob and he has made no effort in PE since November although after Xmas has been slightly more active......"

My end reply to which the teacher has not responded was "I am so glad you know Jacob and have given him a 2 for being unable after his emergency appendectomy at 1030pm at night whilst writhing in agony made him receive a hospital note excusing him from PE for 6 weeks. thank you for his 2 which I am sure he has truly earnt sat on the sidelines with stitches unable to play his favourite sport for which you gave him a 5 last term....if you now feel you still have the right child feel free to contact me or change his effort mark"

I interestingly await the response to that one.

although he has an assessment and hasn't got any results from the tests at school as when he'd finished burning crisps for calorific content he burnt the piece of paper he'd written the results on......

Did you ever get a feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you everything is so wrong yet when you survey what you have everything should be so perfect?

just coz it makes me look good lol

Oh it's been so very long.....

So I watched Comic Relief until the dead children count had made doouble figures at which point it gets too much for me I tell myself I've donated enough to them and switch over to Boston Legal. Does anybody else watch that programme?

So do I spend a sheet and a half updating or just say everything is fine, kids are happy and work is going OKish lol.

I'm thinking about writing my memoirs of motherhood haha as I keep getting told I am extremely funny although wether that was the penguin outfit i wore to work yesterday or me in general I just do not know. Apparently I will be available to view as said penguin on several facebook accounts in the near future.

So do I start the book with the several ways I've nearly killed my children or should we be more sensible and put down how to spot your child is a "twat" in under 10 ways?

1. Said child will scream blue murder for over an hour that his leg is definitely broken after a football game and cry and swear until you put him in the car to take to the local children's hospital. Said child who is 10 at the time will make you CARRY him to A and E as he cannot walk. He is in so much pain you carry him even though he is nearly as tall as his 5 foot 1 mother and then crawl across the floor to the seating in a most dramatic way.
He will make you carry him to the assessment room and then demand a wheelchair for the x-ray walk. After the X-rays come back and show that nothing is wrong he will then say " oh really....oh ok then" stand up walk off and wait at the car for you while you are expressing the fact that you will really donate your entire life savings to the scanner appeal for wasting their time and you promise their social work department that you will not throw him out of the moving vehicle on the 50 mile speed limit parkway on the way home.

2. Same child will display "temper" issues that involve him grabbing sharp implements and running at you with said implements shouting obscenities because you've told him that he can't have yet another yoghurt as 3 was basically enough. At which point most parents will display the parenting skills that my mother always rejoiced in telling me were missing. So I improvise, I stand there and deftly move my crotch area away from the sharp metal object he's trying to prod me with. Move him into a neck lock and go all bad cop on his ass. Apparently he can then, as he is a child, cry drop to the floor and blame everything on me. I really do not know how my left foot did not connect with various parts of his body but i remained calm picked up the knife and gave him a yoghurt? I could have just let him have the yoghurt to start with lol.

You blink and they grow up




last year he looked like this





soon to be 13 and won the "weirdest guy on the trip" on his recent trip to germany!

Well it's been a while and there's still not much to say.
Eldest has started a new school and has to wear full uniform which is funny and cute at the same time!
Doing well at work and have an award ceremony to go to here http://www.palace-hotel-manchester.co.uk/ which should be quite good!
Also hoping that we stuff South Africa and lewis kicks Alonso's ass. Exciting weekend all round says me.
In other news I'm getting bloody old as hell. My hair needs dying on a regular basis and I'm now resorting to diet pills and dermabrasion and nightly peels for the face.
Oh to be young again as they say......

Nintendo DS x 3 makes for a very quiet Xmas. Even the turkey landing on the floor halfway through cooking (don't ask) was a minor setback!!

Hope you all had a good one! (sat here in my playboy dressing gown looking sexy typing this)

I am desperately trying to find a pink Nintendo DS along with the dog game?
Why does this sound so retarded yet most shops are sold out?

Jesse's birthday today so i currently have a little ballerina running around the house today!

here's the gallery of some of the pics we took - quite pleased with how some of these turned out.
http://pics.livejournal.com/bed_toast/gallery/00004d09

I have recently discovered shaving oil! Not a lump or bump to be seen! I am in shaving heaven!
A and E (that's ER) the other day as Josh fell headfirst off his bike and split his chin open. 4 butterfly stitches later and he now just has a scabby chin. He's gutted. 10 years old and all he could ask the nurse through sobbing was would he have a scar? He has a neat scar in his eyebrow already (don't all kids?) but apparently two scars would just be a total nightmare!

He got a girlfriend and got dumped in less than a week (in defence I didn't like her, 10 with a 30 year old attitude and she dumped him for not "following me wherever I go") and watching my daughter (5) cavorting with her boyfriend whilst talking to said boyfriends dad was hilarious. Walking hand in hand down the field and then after thinking they couldn't be seen wrestling in the freshly cut grass just made us both scream with laughter.....

The kids are still in bed - I might be cruel and start hoovering!

I asked my hubby last night am I too friendly? Do I offer myself up too willingly? He just went yeah "you're like a big sister"..this needs to stop when my staff are asking if I have any home remedies for a possible chlamydia infection?? WTF!!
1) Do I look or even act like the kind of woman who would get Chlamydia?
2) Go to the CLINIC! I even offered to go with them (yeah I know big sister).
3) Natural yoghurt is for thrush and women...yes it was made even more embaressing by the fact that this was a guy...

But yes if anybody has any "home remedies" for the afore mentioned STD then please leave me a note and I'll pass it on.

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